The New Kindness (from incurable chronic disease to .....?)

It would seem that I have not posted since September and looking back it was then that I started to feel really crappy. Exhausted, sad, anxious, sick, all vague symptoms but ones which persisted and made my life really yuck

I have been diagnosed with 1 perhaps 2 auto immune disorders neither of which have a cure in modern medicine only a life of management. As I sat in the Dr surgery and heard him talk about the need to change my diet, my lifestyle, my job... the room began to close in. What change everything. Then who will I be.....in fact who am I?

Louisa the wife and Mother who puts her kids before herself because of some stupid sense of motherly duty?

Louisa the support worker serving the poor and needy? (isn't that why we moved here)

Louisa the chocolate and coffee lover?- I think it even says that in my profile.

Louisa the friend that listens, not the one who asks for help or for that matter ever needs help?

Louisa the one who always has an opinion and loves to stand on her soap box?

Strip away these things to live the quiet and gentle life my body demands and what is left? What will I have to offer the world and does that even matter?

Will any of it really help or am I giving up ALL the food I enjoy for no reason?

Questions, questions all I have is frigging questions and not many answers. Sure I have read all the info people have sent me and my dear friend Gemma is a constant source of bossing but what I want is the Bupa add. You know the one where you get a glimpse of the healthier you.

I was meditating today ( a new skill suggested by Gemma) and the man said, now I want you to thank your body for what it does for you. I wanted to jump up and yell- what hurt and be tired and stop me from eating and drinking the things I like great thanks not!! Then the quiet man said "thankyou for making me rest when I won't" and I remember I did this to me. I have ignored my poor tired body for so long and it is saying Stop it now!

So I am still tired and sore and anxious and all of those things afore mentioned on this page and other blog posts but I now take responsibility for it. As my dad would have said "I have no-one to blame but myself.

I dont have a Bupa add but what I do have is a faint glimmer of hope and a belief that if I am kind and gentle to myself, I will find a way back from the abyss.

So if I have any readers left I am going to from time to time ,when the fog clears write about that journey. More for me as a kind of retrospective so I can see that what I am doing is working  and help me  I answer Who am I? and where to from here?