A bit about this blog

Over 4 years ago my family and I left the sleepy apple isle to live in the big smoke of Melbourne This blog is my take on our continuing attempt to Love with His great love those who we come into contact with on a daily basis, especially those who are less fortunate than ourselves. It is also about my struggle with mental illness and how I am trying to live in recovery

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Round and Round on the Merry Go Round

Living with an Anxiety disorder sucks there is simply no other word for it.

For the past month I have been struggling with constant panic attacks, awake and asleep, and this feeling of impending doom that makes my whole body tense and prickly.

My memory is shot causing me to tripple book myself for stuff

It all came to a head yesterday where I was left in a state of uncontrollable sadness. I cried in public, and I just wanted to run away and hie myself in a cave.

Today I am missing two of my friends 50th birthday because I just cant bare the happiness of others- Isn't that awful?

But that stuff isn't really what makes is sucky its that try as I may I dont seem to be able to do a dam thing about it. About once every 6 mths I fall in this massive whole that takes 4-5 weeks to claw my way out of.

My eldest asked me yesterday why I was sad and I really dont know....... And just the mere fact she has to ask makes me sadder.

I have had a consult with a fabulous natropath  who has recommended all types of things that will likely help me but the truth is each one of them is at least $40- its just not economical.

So what am I left with?  Taking a bensodiazapene which my body will continue to get used to and therefore need higher and higher doses.

I can burden my lovely husband anymore he has had nearly 10 years of it and I feel guilty ringing my mum as she worries so.

I am left with this feeling of hopelessness....... I wish for the day where I wake up and it isnt there anymore but that wish is never to be fulfilled so around and around I go again.

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