But today and for most of this week the beast has reared its ugly head, roaring loudly and making me feel like I am about to spiral out of control again. I am breathless, sleepless and jittery. I am crabby with the kids, unreasonably, again and my mind makes lists to try and deal with the myriads of thoughts that fly around it.
The reason- money. I have huge anxiety around money. My coping strategy had been to ignore it, not think about it, not look at it, use as little as possible. This year I decided that this was ridiculous, I am 37 in a week and I shouldn't be letting money hold me captive. Easy right?Actually it means I have to deal with things I have been ignoring for years. So off I went and it felt great, almost liberating. But this week it has all got hard, facing the true reality of what I have to do is making me sick. I want to run away again cos I know if I do my anxiety will go away to. But I am not going to. I am determined to beat it this time. It is the reason I write this post so I have a public record that says, "I Lousia-Anne Meredith Tew will no longer be held captive by the money anxiety monster. It may be painful and frightening and sickening but I will not die from anxiety and it will work out in the end if I keep pushing through."
So there it is. As I sit on the couch trying to breath like my pysc has taught, but really taking short shallow breaths that serve only to increase my anxiety levels I am making a resolve. To do what is necessary to get past this, one little step at a time.
Hey, you lady!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that anxiety beast has been eating you. It's been eating me too ... big time.
Changes in my life, a move to a new house, living with someone else ... all of those things conspired to throw me back into my childhood where the shame and the fear and the guilt made my life a bit of a hell.
Returning to those anxieties is hell, isn't it? Especially when you find yourself feeling anxious about the anxiety.
I hesitate to offer advice in these situations but I have to ask - have you tried EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)? Along with breathing and therapy, it's been one of the best things I've found for helping to quell the emotions so you can move forward. You feel like a bit of a moron in the process, but it really has helped me.
Anyway, just wanted to put it out there. I'm so glad you feel supported *mwah*.
(Catching up sometime soon - yah? How do you go car-wise? Seeing I'm in Belgrave now and we're far, far away from each other, I thought maybe we could meet halfway somewhere for a catch-up.)