You know when you read inspirational stories of successful people who have overcome adversity there is inevitably a story about the children who's mother had mental illness but despite that they are a success. They had a mother that was disconnected, sad, irrational, angry etc ect. That they had to cook dinner, mange their mothers emotions, look after them selves. I am afraid I am that mother.
Right now I want to shut the door on the world and throw away the key. I want everyone, including my kids to piss off and leave me the hell alone.
I don't want to deal with school or dancing or netball.
I don't want to have to help with homework or do the washing or sweep the floors.
I want life to stop and I want to get off.
I have tried God knows to right whatever is wrong with my brain. I have done yoga every day for 28 days. I try and eat well and not drink much alcohol or caffeine. I see a psychologist fortnightly and I talk and I talk. But none of it works. None of it makes me feel any better.
I am angry, anxious and sad. My kids see it. The hug me and say don't cry mum it will be ok. But isn't that my job? Its not fair! they didn't choose to have a nutcase for a mum.