Shades of Gray (slightly more than 50)

For the past month or so my FB news feed has been full of conflicting views as the Tasmanian Parliament debates the laws around termination of pregnancy. It is certainly one of those topics in which people have strong views and has lead me to be thinking about my own thoughts on the issue. From it has come a few questions and many many shades of gray.

The first of these questions relates to me personally. Would I have an abortion? The answer is no. I did consider it with one of my children. I wasn't in a place where I  wanted a child, I even went as far as booking an appointment with an OB in the hospital I was working at. But I just couldn't do it. Fundamentally I belief that life is life and therefore to end it would have been wrong thing for me to do, but that is my personal world view.

This lead me to the second question am I pro life or pro choice and actually I think I am both. At work I recently had client who was considering having an abortion. As I restled with the emotions that personally came up around this I also realised that the young woman standing in front of me didn't need my judgement, moralising or speel about the rights of the unborn she just needed me to love and support her. Enter shades of gray and more qusetions...

Even in writing this post I am struggling with the language because the words such as termination hold such emotional power.

Am I sad that this world is and always will be a place where pregnancies are terminated? Yes if I look deep into my soul I am. I wish that this world was a place where pregnancy was always welcomed, always happy and always resulted in a  bouncy healthy child but this is not and never has been the world we live in.

Given the above therefore I must be prolife yes? Actually maybe not cos I also believe that each woman deserves the right to access medically safe options if her world view is different to mine. More shades of gray.

It comes down to the fact that I believe I can not nor should I enforce my beliefs on someone else. And that I see this not as a massive political issue but about the rights of individual woman with individual stories

In my job I have had the unfortunate experience of watching the pain of mothers and children as they are torn apart by the cycle of addiction and poverty. But is it my right to say these mothers should have their ability to bear children removed? absolutely not but I do wonder at times as I watch these children grow up with trauma that effects the rest of their lives is it the quality of life not the quality of life that truly matters? And there it is the last gray area and one I neither have the brain power or the moral fortitude to think about.. what does "quality of life" even mean.

I think that the issue must be broader than the rights of the "unborn" Because the unborn become babies and those babies become children and those children become adults.
Here is something my friend posted on FB that began the idea which has turned into this post. I like sister Joan I think she is a woman after my own heart.

The New Kindness (from incurable chronic disease to .....?)

It would seem that I have not posted since September and looking back it was then that I started to feel really crappy. Exhausted, sad, anxious, sick, all vague symptoms but ones which persisted and made my life really yuck

I have been diagnosed with 1 perhaps 2 auto immune disorders neither of which have a cure in modern medicine only a life of management. As I sat in the Dr surgery and heard him talk about the need to change my diet, my lifestyle, my job... the room began to close in. What change everything. Then who will I be.....in fact who am I?

Louisa the wife and Mother who puts her kids before herself because of some stupid sense of motherly duty?

Louisa the support worker serving the poor and needy? (isn't that why we moved here)

Louisa the chocolate and coffee lover?- I think it even says that in my profile.

Louisa the friend that listens, not the one who asks for help or for that matter ever needs help?

Louisa the one who always has an opinion and loves to stand on her soap box?

Strip away these things to live the quiet and gentle life my body demands and what is left? What will I have to offer the world and does that even matter?

Will any of it really help or am I giving up ALL the food I enjoy for no reason?

Questions, questions all I have is frigging questions and not many answers. Sure I have read all the info people have sent me and my dear friend Gemma is a constant source of bossing but what I want is the Bupa add. You know the one where you get a glimpse of the healthier you.

I was meditating today ( a new skill suggested by Gemma) and the man said, now I want you to thank your body for what it does for you. I wanted to jump up and yell- what hurt and be tired and stop me from eating and drinking the things I like great thanks not!! Then the quiet man said "thankyou for making me rest when I won't" and I remember I did this to me. I have ignored my poor tired body for so long and it is saying Stop it now!

So I am still tired and sore and anxious and all of those things afore mentioned on this page and other blog posts but I now take responsibility for it. As my dad would have said "I have no-one to blame but myself.

I dont have a Bupa add but what I do have is a faint glimmer of hope and a belief that if I am kind and gentle to myself, I will find a way back from the abyss.

So if I have any readers left I am going to from time to time ,when the fog clears write about that journey. More for me as a kind of retrospective so I can see that what I am doing is working  and help me  I answer Who am I? and where to from here?