Round and Round on the Merry Go Round

Living with an Anxiety disorder sucks there is simply no other word for it.

For the past month I have been struggling with constant panic attacks, awake and asleep, and this feeling of impending doom that makes my whole body tense and prickly.

My memory is shot causing me to tripple book myself for stuff

It all came to a head yesterday where I was left in a state of uncontrollable sadness. I cried in public, and I just wanted to run away and hie myself in a cave.

Today I am missing two of my friends 50th birthday because I just cant bare the happiness of others- Isn't that awful?

But that stuff isn't really what makes is sucky its that try as I may I dont seem to be able to do a dam thing about it. About once every 6 mths I fall in this massive whole that takes 4-5 weeks to claw my way out of.

My eldest asked me yesterday why I was sad and I really dont know....... And just the mere fact she has to ask makes me sadder.

I have had a consult with a fabulous natropath  who has recommended all types of things that will likely help me but the truth is each one of them is at least $40- its just not economical.

So what am I left with?  Taking a bensodiazapene which my body will continue to get used to and therefore need higher and higher doses.

I can burden my lovely husband anymore he has had nearly 10 years of it and I feel guilty ringing my mum as she worries so.

I am left with this feeling of hopelessness....... I wish for the day where I wake up and it isnt there anymore but that wish is never to be fulfilled so around and around I go again.

Dear Johnpa

Dear Johnpa,

On this fathers day there are many things I would like to share with you alas you have gone to be with the big man in the sky.

I would like to tell you that Elly is 13 now and beautiful with long legs (that I never had), that she dances like a beautiful butterfly and that she is going to be on TV next year (ABC even)

I would like to tell you that "the plain one" is no longer plain. She has a delightful smile and infectious laugh and a zest for life that many of us wish we had.

I would also like to tell you that Jay is growing up to be a compassionate young man. He is a vegetarian, because he just cant bare to eat animals and he wants to be a vet.

We are are happy in Melbourne, in Port Melbourne close to the city.

We have a dog and a bird.

I often find myself wanting to ask or tell you something then realising I can't

Most of all I want to tell you that I miss you. Its been so long now I have to remember really hard to hear your voice.  I wish you were here to see the kids grow up.

Thanks for being my dad, for driving me at 5am to swimming, for pushing me to be the best I could be and for loving me.

xxxx Goondalou