Foul Weather friends- for you my dear Olivia

An old and dear friend was killed yesterday and I am devastated. When my Tilly was little she spent so much time at his house that she called him Daddy Scott. He has left behind 3 beautiful girls and a wife who is truly the nicest woman you could ever meet. I haven't spoken to her because what do you say? I sent her a txt last night that simply said "sorry, we love you all."

I logged onto another blog that I haven't visited in quite sometime and there was the following devotion- It is perfect. I am going to print it out and give it to her when I see her but I wanted to share it with my fb friends who knew and loved Scott

How Can We Walk Through Life's Rain With You?

I wish I had a big red umbrella that would keep all the rain out of your life. I would hold it over your head and the drops would splash, splash and you would never even feel them.

But I don't have a big red umbrella...so I'll walk through the rain with you.

God doesn't intend for us to go through our storms alone. We all need our "foul weather friends" who will venture out into the weather with us.

There are two questions we must answer to not only survive but thrive through life's storms;

Who will walk through the rain with us? And will we let them?

Friends love through all kinds of weather. Proverbs 17:17 MSG

Devotional quote from the 365 Day Inspirational Calendar, Rain on Me based on the book, by Holley Gerth.

My dearesrt Livy and your beautiful little girls I love you all so much and will walk through this rain with you xxxx

Aliens living on planet earth

Imagine you are captured by aliens and transported to their planet dropped in the middle of one of their cities and then expected to live there, with no one to tell you how to act, what the social norms are, how simply to be normal, not excel, just not stand out from the crowed . On top of that imagine that everyone around you is waiting and believing you will fail. Your previous existence has labelled you for ever. From the very top politicians, to woman next door, they expect the worst.

Welcome to the life of people who are moving from the world of drug addiction to what they call the straight world.

The Life we all think is normal is completely alien to them. They do not know let alone understand our social nuances. They do not even know the first thing about living outside of crisis because crisis is all they have ever known.

Over and over again I here those who have never been addicted to drugs talk about how simple it must be- Just stop taking drugs and everything will be ok. In reality the actual act of not taking drugs anymore is the easy bit, and believe me it is not so easy . A girl was withdrawing from heroin where I work described it as every living cell in her body hurting and screaming for the drug. Just today another girl said "I'm on the done Louisa" "good" I say "No you don't understand I feel so straight now I have to deal with my actual thoughts."

We applaud those who move away and get clean and rightly so, but this is the beginning not the end. They are like small children in this straight and very confusing world of ours. One full of subtleties and unspoken, unwritten rules. And in reality does society really want them to fit in or do we want to be proved right that once a "bloody junky" always one?

Just like a baby they do not need our scrutiny or our negative comments but instead our compassion and understanding that what they are trying to do is massively difficult. They need us to celebrate each and every small victory along the way.

I am constantly reminded that I am only one or two decisions away from being where these fellow humans found themselves. I am not there to judge, but to love and sometimes I fail. I am sorry to those along the way to whom I have not loved like I could have, or to whom my expectations and lack of understanding of the enormity of the task, have hampered your recovery. I will try to love others as they should be loved: unconditionally, compassionately, and without and expectation of receiving something in return.

Alone and without an advocate

I arrived home from work yesterday to find Tilly's first school report waiting for me. I have been dreading this moment.

Those that know Tilly know that she is a bright flamboyant child who has a mind of her own.

The thing is she is struggling at school, struggling with being a round peg shoved in a square hole and the report shows it.

In teacher speak each person who sees her talked of Tilly needing assistance to learn and concentrate and become a functioning member of the class. Nicely for sure never using the words naughty or having lack of concentration but there it was for all to see.

She already has a reputation as being the "naughty child" from teachers and kids alike.

The only person who advocates and believes in her at school is her teacher who despite knowing Tilly last year chose to have her in her class.

Now that teacher is leaving for very personal family reasons and although I completely understand I am freaking out. Why? Because it means my little girl will be alone and without anyone who will advocate for her.

I am frightened she will be labelled and that is it for the rest of her school life. Thing is I know that underneath is a clever little girl, I just dont know how to help her show it.

Being a mother is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do because there is no control and no rules and everyone has an opinion of what is the right thing to do. Today I just feel over whelmed by it all. By the mountains of washing that never get put away, by the house that never stays tidy for more than 2 mins no matter how hard I try, but most of all by the deep aching desire for my kids to win at life and not being able to do a darn thing about it.

"Ogres are like onions...... they have layers"

I need to qualify the title of this post, I am not implying that the woman I work with are Ogres. It is, for those lucky people that don't have to sit through animated features, a quote from Shrek where Shrek tries to explain to Donkey that he , being an ogre, is not a simple creature but complex and like an onion has layers.

So to are the woman I work with, complex I mean. Years of marginalization and chaotic lifestyle has lead to layers upon layers of issues that need to be dealt with if they are to move forward and reintegrate into society. Each and every time I think I have helped to better someones life there it is another layer as big and as complex as the last waiting there. The task is enormous and will take years if it can ever happen at all. And I am looking from the outside- what must it feel like to be them? No wonder some choose to give up, remain where they are.

There are days where I feel overwhelmed, feel useless and wonder what the hell I am doing. Last week I had one of those nights where thoughts of "my girls" as I have started to see them kept me up. I felt grief for the woman who lost her fight for her children and was told not to cry by the judge who was taking them away, joy for the couple who's son was being returned but fear that they might slip backwards and loose everything, angst about the need to protect the innocent whilst supporting a womans right to be given an opportunity to get it right this time,the list goes on.....onions

We, and I include myself in this, want a quick fix, a magic wand to wave, a band aid. Through money at it and it will be ok type of thing.

The truth is that that is not the way through. These woman and 1000's like them need people who are willing to walk life with them; To love them, when they cant love themselves, to put up with their anger and hate which will often be metered out to you simply because you are there, to hold up there arms in battle as they try and fight through. They need a community.

This is not up to a government agency or support service it is up to each one of us as human beings. It is up to each and everyone of us whether we work for a not for profit or are the CEO of a bank.

It is the essence of Small things with Great love- I cannot feed all the homeless in Victoria but I can feed and build relationship with the one who lives just down the road; I can not bring home every person who needs a home, but I can write letters to our PM so the homeless have a voice; I can talk to the mother in the playground who non of the other mothers will talk to because she is a single mum who is obviously poor; I can have a cup of tea with the lonely old lady down the road............

Not world changing stuff? No, but if we all did it I wonder how different it would be? If we each helped deal with 1 layer could we together change lives? Hmm I wonder

It all begins with childhood

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. And the things that occurred still sit heavily in my brain and heart and are what have prompted me to begin to blog again.

I will try and keep this short but there is such a lot to it.

On Monday my beautiful Tilly (6y) ,who all those who know me and her can confirm tests every boundary set for her, was reprimanded at school for indecent exposure. The thing is she was encouraged to do so by a bunch of 11 year old boys, who are still laughing about it and didn't even get in trouble. This is where it starts. Boys are taught that it is ok to treat little girls like this and as my mum said "in a few years time they will think it is ok to do what ever they like to 13 year old girls"

Once a month as part of my job as a centre support worker I take a woman to see her children for 1 hour- can u imagine 1 hr a month is all the time you get to see your kids, I miss mine if they go away for a night. This woman's life has been a series of abuses by men. We sat in the winter sun waiting for them to come and she told me of the heart ache of not having her children living with her and she cried broken sobs. During the access, which was actually for the most part lovely, she had to endure hearing her kids call their foster carer "mummy", on the phone and I saw her wince as it physically hurt her. On the way home in the car she shared with me her hatred of boys then men who have assaulted her and what it has done to her over the years. Yet most people would see her as a "bloody junky" that needs to simply stop taking drugs.

I get back to the center and there outside is this beautiful young lady that couldn't have been any older that 18 but probably more likely to be 16,scantily dressed even though it was cold and about to sell her body, to finance her boy friends habit. Some of the older sex workers talked of him sitting across the road earlier in a hotted up car, music blaring. It was if a line was being drawn from Tilly at 6y to my above mentioned woman in my head. I wondered if that boy was allowed to tease small girls into doing stuff that was inappropriate just as those boys in my daughters school had done;when he was young, had his dad, uncles, older male friends, encouraged him to look at the female form as a sex object rather than with respect?What had happened to make it ok in his brain to exploit someone he confesses to care about?Because it is in childhood that these opinions start to be formed- it makes me sad that our young boys are growing up without being taught to respect and honor woman in the name of equality and sexual freedom.

I did not sleep well last night as I have 2 girls, one who is approaching her teen years with a frightening pace and I worry for them. The sexual objectification of young woman appears to be normal in our society and accepted by all forms of main stream media. Why what value does it add? What will my girls allow boys then men to do to them because it is socially expectable in the future?How do I protect them without sheltering them? And the big picture question how do I as a liberated free woman affect social change to stop the cycle happening again and again? The answer I have to all of those questions is I just don't know, I just cant be quiet about it any longer.

Writing .........A new beginning

When I first came to Vic I started to blog out of a need to write about my heavy heart. I was clinically depressed, and felt alone and confused. Unsure of why I was here or what was my purpose. So much as changed.
My life is full of purpose, I work amongst the most marginalized of our society and I know why I was born.
But I again feel the need to write. It will not be eloquent or intelligent but I have things I need to get out of my head, things I must write about so I can process it.
If other people want to read it then so be it
So here I go................